2007/09/03
“いちばん”
授業中に「２人組になってください」と言われるのが嫌いだった。いつも自分が余ってしまうから。
友達はたくさんいた。どの子のことも好きだった。でも、その子にとって私が“いちばん”ではないことを知っていた。２人で組めと言われたら選ぶ子が誰かを、私はどの子についても分かっていた。だから私が選ばれないことも分かっていたし、私も選んじゃいけないと思っていた。
そして、私も。
“いちばん”は誰？と聞かれると、答えられなかった。決められなかった。友達はたくさんいるのに、私は孤独だった。気づけばそんな状況に慣れてしまって、“いちばん”なんていなくても生きていけるさ、と思うようになっていた。
そうしておとなになったから、手をさしのべてくれる人がいても手をにぎり返せなくなってしまった。私が“いちばん”を認めたら、その人はいなくなってしまうんじゃないか……ずっと、そんな気持ちを持っていた。
「２人組になってください」
私にとってそれがどれだけ難しいことかを思い知った1年だった。
でも、差し出された手がずっとそばにあった、幸せな1年でもあった。
ほんとうに、ありがとう。
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