Mayunezu Space Ver.7:100％がんばる理由

2006/06/26

100％がんばる理由

ずっと以前、私は「なんで100％がんばらないのだ？」という趣旨の記事をサイトに書いたことがある（アップされているはずだが、相当前の記事だったので見つけられなかった）。100％がんばったら疲れるから、60％くらいにしてゆとりを持った方がいい、と誰も彼もが言うことに、当時の私はどうしても納得できなかった。言っている意味が分からなかったと言ってもいい。

何かをやろうとするなら、100％がんばるのが当然じゃん。
特に誰かのためにやることは、そうじゃないと失礼じゃん。

そうして、私は疲れていった。
100％がんばれない自分を責めても責めても、どうしても100％にできなかった。そういう自分に納得できなかった。自分に価値がないと思えた。生きるのがいやになった。
これが、2004年ごろの話。

---------------------

私の生きるモチベーションは、他人からのみ生まれている。
そういうことに、つい最近気づいた。
マイミクさんが、日記でこんなことを書いていた。

「どんなお仕事の内容でも淡々と、それでも自分の成長を信じて、そこに楽しみや喜びがあったのでした。」

この言葉で、気づいた。自分の「生きるスタンス」が違うんだということに。「自分の成長を信じる」なんて感覚を、私は持ったことがない。
私はいつも、「誰かのために」生きている。誰かに認められるために生きる。そのためにがんばる。ゴールは「誰かに認められること」のみであり、自分自身が成長するのは、それに付属してついてきているだけ。

私にとっての「100％」は、自分にとっての100％じゃなく、認められたい人にとっての100％なのだ。だから自分の限界を超えていても100％だと思えずに、がんばりすぎてしまう。

私にとって、自分の限界なんて関係ないのだ。
その人のためにがんばらなかったら、私は「死んでしまう」のだから。

--------------------

私は自分で、自分のことが好きじゃないんだと思う。
というよりも、そういうことを考えたことがない。自分を守るとか、伸ばすとか、着飾るとかいうことに価値を感じない。そういうことは自分から生まれる意志じゃなく、周りが求めるからやっている気がする。ノーメイクで行くとマナーに反するから。私が死ぬと後処理（お金とか）が大変だから。勉強しないとこのクライアントの要求に応えられないから。

「それは、良くないことなのか？」
だんなが私に言った。

良き理解者がいることは、本当に幸せだと思う。

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初めてまして、こんにちは♪
ちゃぺると申します。
ミクシィコミュニティで、ある友人の書き込みを見て「ばかになれ」という本が頭をよぎり検索をしていたら、MayunezuSpace Ver.6さんのほうに辿り着きました。
当初の目的とは違うものの、そこにある言葉に目を惹かれて、足跡を残して行きます♪

by chapel 2006.11.24 09:53

＞nniさん
ありがとうございます、わざわざ探してくださったのですね。そうでした、Ver.6のときにも一度書いていましたね。

inside.outさん、読んでくださっていてうれしいです（と、ここで言うのもなんですが）。
以前も取り上げてくださったのを良く覚えています。

by Mayunezu 2006.06.27 17:29

はじめまして。
inside.outさんからやってきました。

なんとなくgoogleで探したら見つかったので。

2004/05/06(Thu)
フルパワーで生きるということ
http://space.mayunezu.com/ver6/archives/200405/06-0832.html

これでしょうかね。
この中で触れられているVer.5の「60%くらい～」というのは見つかりませんでした。

では。足跡程度の何でもないコメントですみませんです。

by nni 2006.06.27 13:46

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